Between a 60-hour workweek, drinks with the girlfriends, yoga classes, church, and community service, it can seem nearly impossible for a driven, ambitious, super-busy Black woman to carve out time in her life to find that special someone. The good news is that you don’t necessarily have to give up your lifestyle. In fact, I found my boyfriend—or rather he found me—being exactly who I am: an enthusiastic networker and coach. I want to share our story and some do’s and don’ts on how to use your professional prowess to snag a great guy who matches your ambitions and your lifestyle.
How we met
My boyfriend, affectionately referred to as Mr. C, found me through my school’s website when he was looking for a student to chat with him about graduate school. When he came to Boston to visit Harvard, we met up for lunch and chatted for two hours, excitedly sharing our backgrounds in community service and entrepreneurship and our educational and professional goals. At the end of our exhilarating lunch, I remember exclaiming, “I hope we can be friends forever!” (Corny, I know, but it was true and he felt the same way!) He returned home to LA, and we kept in touch loosely for a year. When I ended up accepting a summer internship in LA, I sent out a mass email (including him) telling my friends that I was coming to LA for the summer and hoping to see them. He replied instantly, telling me he wanted to take me out for dinner, and we’ve been together ever since.
Now, as lovely as that sounds, our relationship is no fairy tale. We live on opposite coasts, see each other about seven days a month, and both work a tremendous amount. However, we are both entrepreneurial, ambitious dreamers who want the same characteristics in our partners. I’m in it to win it (if you know what I mean), and I’m happy to have found a like mind and kindred spirit with whom I can embark on this journey. I know that networking is a real way to find guys, not just because of Mr. C, but because lots of my women friends have been asked out by guys who first approached them under the guise of networking.
Here are some tips on how you can keep living the life you love and find love while doing it:
1. DO have detailed LinkedIn and Facebook profiles. In the age of social media, your Facebook and LinkedIn profiles are your face to the world. To make your LinkedIn profile a date-finding machine, make sure you have listed all your previous jobs, joined the alumni network for your school, and joined any other relevant professional networks. Joining groups allows people who are not directly connected to you to contact you without having a premium account. Make sure your picture is clear, crisp, and captures your essence (similar to an acting headshot). It doesn’t have to be overly formal if you are in a more creative industry like publishing or television. If you’re single (and ready to mingle), your Facebook relationship status should say so. Don’t make men guess whether or not they can approach you!
2. DON’T reach out to guys to “network” when you have no genuine interest in his profession. If you want to be a writer, don’t waste your time contacting guys who work in tech start-ups pretending you want to learn about life in Silicon Valley. You’ll end up having to hear him drone on about customer acquisition when all you want to know is whether he likes long walks on the beach. In the case of networking your way to love, it’s better to contact all people who you are genuinely interested in chatting with, and see if you happen upon the happy coincidence of a single guy who piques your interest. Men love the chase, so you chase your dreams and let the men chase you.
3. DON’T be “that girl” at professional networking events. We’ve all seen the woman who comes dressed to kill to a professional networking event (heck, I’ve been her!). She stands out awkwardly in her low-neck cocktail dress and has dozens of women’s eyes boring into the back of her head and men’s eyes boring into her chest. Professional networking events are definitely great places to meet potential mates, but please go dressed appropriately and keep the drinking to a minimum. Black professional circles are notoriously small, so you want to keep your demeanor open, inviting, and friendly but still professional and not flirtatious at events where you are mingling with potential business partners and professional colleagues.
4. DO carry business cards. It’s a lot easier for a man to ask for a professional woman’s business card than it is for him to ask for her number. Why? He’s not sure if she’s taken or if she’ll be offended that he approached her for a date at a professional event. I don’t recommend freely offering your business card to guys you are interested in at events. It will come off as over-eager and too inviting. If there is someone that you are truly only interested in having a professional relationship with, feel free to offer up your card. The reason I draw the line is that when a woman approaches a man, he’ll often bite the bait and go on a date with you, but it’s often not the case that he has any long-term interest in you. Save yourself the time and heartbreak by letting the guys approach you and seeing which of the bunch you like. If your company doesn’t give you cards, have your own made. Use a Google Number instead of your cell and keep your home address off of it to keep stalkers at bay.
5. DON’T assume men who contact you are interested in you. As a fabulous woman, many men (often those younger or less professionally accomplished than you) are going to look up to you and your many accomplishments, and want to chat more with you for advice and guidance. Don’t assume that a man that reaches out to you for networking purposes is romantically interested in you. Be warm, friendly, and natural on the phone or at the meeting, and let any connection that may develop do so naturally. And remember, ladies, just because he doesn’t wear a ring doesn’t mean he isn’t taken.
The next time you get invited to a networking night, remember that it may be a better place for you to meet Mr. Right than the nightclub.
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