About a week ago, Dr. Susan Rice, the US Ambassador to the United Nations, gave the commencement address at Spelman college. Her remarks were pretty typical graduation fare until she offered “six quick personal lessons from my experience,” including this advice:
Second, in your focus on career, do not sell short the fulfillment of starting a family, if that is what you wish. I am honestly not sure when I would have finally gotten around to deciding that it was the right time to have kids. But luckily, when I was 31 years old and working crazy hours at the National Security Council at the White House, I got pregnant. My husband and I had not exactly planned to have kids just yet, but we knew we wanted a family. When my son was a mere three months old, I started working at the State Department. I was not only the youngest Assistant Secretary of State but I was also a breastfeeding mother. I’m the first to admit that this felt crazy at times, and the balancing act is never ever easy. But my two kids are the most wonderful things that have ever happened to me. So if you want a family, get yourself launched, find a worthy partner, build a support network, put some money in the bank—and then get going.
In the week since I first read the speech, I’ve been thinking a lot about this advice. I was initially struck by how frank it was and how by how uncommon this type of message is from an accomplished “career woman.” Susan Rice is a Stanford grad, Rhodes scholar, former McKinsey consultant, Brookings Institute fellow, and the list goes on. Speaking at a women’s college, I expected her to give advice on succeeding in a male-dominated professional world. I didn’t expect her very personal message on balancing career and family.
It was especially interesting to see a black woman who has achieved great career success give this advice to a roomful of mostly black women at the start of their careers. Considering the heavy media focus right now on the “plight” of the lonely, career black woman, I was encouraged to hear her talk about making motherhood and career work, challenges not withstanding.
At a book reading last week, I met a woman who told me she met the author from their days working together at Newsweek. When I asked what she does now, she laughed, saying: “It’s a bit weird to say this is what I do but I’m actually a stay at home mom.” We went on to have a great conversation about her funny children, the novel she just finished writing, and more. She also mentioned that, when deciding to pursue journalism, she didn’t give any thought whatsoever to the fact that she was choosing a professional that would make it really difficult to be a mother. She smiled as she said this, adding “But you two are still too young to be thinking about that” in reference to me and another young woman there.
But are we?
With college just a few years behind me, worrying about when to have children seems premature at best. Still, when I hear a message like Dr. Rice’s or read articles studies that show that flex-time and “off ramps” are still unrealistic for most women, I wonder if assuming that “it’ll happen when the right time comes” is a mistake. For me and many of my friends, our five and ten year plans make room for M.A.s, J.D.s,M.B.A.s, etc. As we get tired of our entry level jobs, it feels natural and reasonable to plan our next career or grad school moves. Admittedly, not all of us want families but, even among those that do, it feels a lot less natural to put a time frame on the kids.
Even if you plan the right time, there’s no guarantee that the necessary components for success will be there. It’s telling that Dr.Rice’s practical advice to make it happen is to “get yourself launched, find a worthy partner, build a support network, put some money in the bank.” You can launch your career and put away money, but raising children is extremely difficult, if not impossible, without a support network. My mother went back to finish a degree soon after I was born. But, I was born in a country and culture where “the village” does raise the child: our apartment included a grandmother, cousins, uncles, aunts, and more. The sobering fact is that, even if you put children in your grand plan, the network is going to factor largely into your success. More than just at home, the network has to extend to work and include people who will support you as you balance work and motherhood or help you relaunch get back into the workforce if you take time off.
