Every Thursday, I’ll be answering anonymously submitted questions on sexuality. I think it’s important for young black women to have an outlet for their sexuality curiosities and receive informed answers not simply from myself, but from other women who study and live various sexualities each day. Feel free to read more about what inspired me to start this column here and you can submit your questions anonymously for future posts here.
Your question of the week:
Is bisexuality real? Are bisexuals just people who don’t want to choose a side?
Let’s start with the “home,” where many of our beliefs on bisexuality are rooted. The majority of black women are raised in heteronormative environments: meaning atmospheres that place heterosexuality as the norm and homosexuality as mainly inferior. While many of these beliefs have loosened over the years, I would argue that bisexuality still is misunderstood and often placed in the same group as self-identified lesbians and gays. Yes, bisexuality is real and a sexual attraction that people experience each day. There are people who are attracted to many genders (female, male, transgender, intersex, etc.) or maybe just two. I don’t believe that they should have to “choose” one gender and I think that more strictly heterosexual (and homosexual) partners should give bisexuals the room to have that freedom of sexual attraction. Now, before anyone starts throwing darts, there are limits to this liberty. When two people have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, bisexuals should not have license to cheat with a different gender than their partner simply because they’re attracted. As heterosexual (and homosexual) black women, we hold our same-sexuality partners to monogamous standards, bisexual folks should be treated no different.
I’m directing a documentary series on straight women dating bisexual men that speaks to this very topic. However, I wanted to bring in another sexuality blogger to weigh in. Kanika founded the blog Raspberry Mousse, which is dedicated to bisexual, transgender, and queer folks.
She has some great thoughts to add…..
Kanika- I co-sign everything that Arielle has said and would like to add this:
Yes, bisexuality is very much real. While heterosexuals and homosexuals gravitate to solely one gender, bisexual people naturally are attracted to more than one. There is no “true” way to be bisexual; some bi people may have a stronger preference for one gender over another while others equally are attracted to all genders. Also, there are bi people who only have been with one gender but acknowledge their attraction to other genders.
Since bisexuality has such a bad reputation, many of us try to “pick a side” (pretending to be gay or straight) to fit in or please others. However, this causes just as much pain to us as it would any person who is lying to themselves about who they are.
Many monosexual (meaning gay or straight) people are apprehensive about dating bisexuals because they fear that we’re unpredictable and may leave them for the different gender one day. While many bi people have been romantically involved with more than one gender, our behavior just seems more salacious than it really is. In truth, we’re really no different than anyone else; many of us are monogamous, while some are not monogamous and have open relationships. There are others who prefer the freedom of single life & those who (regardless of their relationship status) are dishonest about their intentions, which leads their partners into a world of hurt. That said, these are not issues that are exclusive to bisexual people; if anything it reflects how our community is just as diverse and human as the straight and gay communities.
Now I don’t encourage anyone to date someone with whom they are uncomfortable, as this always leads to epic failure. However, I do suggest finding out more about about the bisexual community. There are several great websites that provide a wealth of educational information about bisexuality, such as The American Institute of Bisexuality, BiNet USA and the Bisexual Resource Center. Hope this helps!
Arielle, here, speaking again, so what do y’all think? Is bisexuality real? Do bisexuals simply not want to “choose” a side? Feel free to weigh in and check back next week for our next sexuality question!
